


What becomes of the broken hearted

by Kikki1



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Hospital, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Institutions, Mention of Minor Character Death, Ok it may have got a bit more angsty than planned, Post-Break Up, mention of suicide, sorrynotsorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-23 07:57:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9647168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kikki1/pseuds/Kikki1
Summary: Set many years after Skam ended.Isak  is living the life he always dreamed of. He has a good  job, amazing  friends and a superhot boyfriend.But his heart is forever broken.





	1. All is fine

**Author's Note:**

> I do not know what I an doing here, and if I will continue. Consider this a test, and let me know what you think. I just had to write something, I love Skam so much.  
> Will add more caracters if i I continue.  
> English is not my first language, sorry for all the mistakes.

Isak got up as soon as the alarm rang. He had his first appointment at 9.00 wanted to check out last night’s report before meeting the patient. He made his regular pit black coffee and got in the shower.

He left a note for Eivind that he would be home for dinner. Isak felt a stung of guilt seeing the words, he knew that he hardly ever made it home in a normal time. They had been living together for two years now, and Eivind had really got to see the downside of living with a doctor. His phone was filled with excuses from Isak, and disappointed replies. Isak knew that deep down Eivind was always afraid of Isak leaving him, no matter what he said and did the concern was always there. Eivind never pushed too fare, always accepted what Isak gave him, always looking at him with sad eyes. It was not good enough, but it was all Isak was able to give. Isak made a promise to himself to not accept any extra work tonight; it was about time they got to spend some quality time together.

 

He could fix it, he always did.

 

As he pulled the car up in front of the psychiatric hospital, he saw that most of his collages had already arrived. When he walked in, everybody was busy talking about last night’s events at the one of the high security wards.

"Glad to see you finally decided to join us!" Kari said with a big smile on her face . The young nurse loved to tease Isak, knowing that he hated being the last one to arrive. “You have no idea how much you have missed” she continued. Isak logged on to the computer and started reading last night’s report. Apparently one of his patients had tried to get out by hiding in the garbagetrolley. The man who was cleaning had of course noticed the added weight, and it had been quite a scene. Isak was surprised they didn’t call him. Isak sighed; he had to deal with this mess.

 

 

“Are you exited for today?” He looked over at Henrik, a tall and handsom man in his 50’s, also the attending doctor and his boss. Isak must have looked confused, because the older man repeated his question. “ Are you ready for your big debut?” Now Isak probably looked completely lost, because he heard laughing all around him.

 

“Haven’t you checked your messages today? I texted you this morning”. Isak looked at his phone. _Shit_! He had five unopened massages.

 

Kari fell down in the chair next to him. “It is all so exiting! To think that an actual movieteam will be with us for one whole month, making a documentary of what we do here. We are going to be famous!” Kari batted her eyes and pouted her mouth, Isak could see the laugher in her eyes. “Idiot” he said to her while smiling fondly. He really liked Kari, she was sweet and not complicated. It was easy being with Kari, he felt himself relaxing in her presence. 

 

"You are going to be the new icon!” Isak looked at Kari with big eyes and mouth wide open. “Me?!” He said, terrified. He did not want attention to himself, let alone be on some icon.

He looked at Henrik. “You have to check your phone! Like I wrote to you;" His boss paused. "Jørgen was going to be followd by the movieteam, but his son is sick again, so you have to fill in for him”

Isak felt like a car had hit him.

Actually, he would prefer to been hit by a car right about now.

“What?!” He heard himself shouting, but he could not help it. He had been trying to hide from years, not wanting attention drawn to himself. Ever since his heart was removed from his body, he wanted no one to actually see him. 

"This is not a request” His boss looked firm and determined. “You are young, vital, professional and talented. The psych ward need some good press right about now. We need to show all the good we do here.”

He was right, Isak knew that. There had been a lot of negative press about over use of force in psychiatric ward, it was unfair and not consistent with what Isak saw every day. Even so, he was not the right person. He could not do this.

“Like I said, this is not up for debate. “ His boss got up from the chair and walked towards the door. “The team will arrive later today, be ready. You will probably be here all night, but that is no problem for you I guess. You are here every night anyway.” He must have seen the terror in Isaks eyes, because he added “ You will be fine, just be yourself. You are always great! ” Henrik smiled and left Isak alone.

Everyone had left to see patients, so Isak was the only one left.

 

He felt like shit, this was a nightmare.

 

He feelt his phone bussing and picked it up.

 

**Eivind**

Looking forward to seeing you tonight sexy, I will make your favorite. 

Maybe I’ll let you do your favorite as well

If  you are nice…

 

Isak couldn’t deal with this now, he had patients to see. He had to do what he always did, close is eyes and just keep on walking. It was easier to dive into his patients problems, never having to deal with his own shit. It had always been this way for him. First his mother, than the big heartbreak, and then nothing. Just numbness. Or Isak trying so hard to dumb the dullness, trying to feel.

Isak could not start thinking about this now.

Just bury it deep within and keep going.

Everywhere he went people were cheering at him, apparently everybody knew that he was “the chosen one”. They actually called him that, teasing him. Isak tried to laugh it away, he was a grown man, this was no big deal. But he hated being the center of attention. Hated being noticed.

 

The day went by so fast, Isak barely even had time to eat. He just ran from patient to patient, never thinking about himself. He had almost forgotten all about the movieteam and documentary, when he open the door to the breakroom to find it filled with people. There were cameras and microphones, the room was packed. Henrik was standing talking to a tall man. The tall man had his back to Isak, and he could see that his boss was overexcited and waving his arms up and down while talking. Isak started hearing ringing in his ears, and was starting to turn around and walk out when he heard his boss calling. “There he is! The man of the hour, our pride and joy!” Isak felt eyes looking at him, and watched at his boss walked over to him. Walking next to him was the tall, blond man he was talking to before.

Isak froze.

_Well fuck me_

_Even_


	2. What now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. This has been eating at me after the first chapter. I'm feeling insecure about this, but I will give it a try. Please let me know what you think, and if you would like to continue reading. I have a plan, but I do not know if I can do it.

Isak felt the room spinning, his face burning and his vision was blurred.

He could se Henrik and his ex boyfriend walking closer.

His fucking ex.

Henrik looked happy and exited. Even, of course, was looking like a god damn nordic god, with his hair perfectly in place, long limbs and angelic face. He looked hotter than ever, small lines in his face only adding to his features. He was a bit more muscular then the last time Isak saw him, and his face had a tinted color.

Isak hated it. All his self confides disappears, leaving him insecure and full of self doughs. He needed to snap out of it! He felt anger bobbling in this stomach, he felt a unbearable need to punch something. Or someone. He needed to punch Even, wipe that big grin off his face. It was all to much. When Isak was seventeen he thought he never could hate Even. But after all those sleepless nights and all the crying, Isak really could feel the hatred in his bones. Isak did not want this, he never wanted to see that man again. Even broke him, there was no way to forgive that. He crushed him like a bug, and Isak wanted to return the favor.  

 

Suddently he noticed his boss staring at him. 'Are you here Isak, did you hear me?!' He looked like he was about to slap him, or hug him. Maybe both. Isak somehow managed to nod, looking anywhere but at Even. He heard Even say in a cocky tone 'Is this the famous Jørgen?' Isak shoot his eyes at Even, only to see a big grin and tease in his eyes. And something else. Uncertainty? Isak could not tell.

Henrik corrected him 'No, Jørgen couldn't be her, Isak here will be filling in. He is one of our youngest doctors specializing in psychiatry. Way to few doctor chooses this specialty, witch is a damn shame' Henrik was rambling, looking a bit confused by Isaks red face. He looked from Even to Isak. 'And this is Even, the director and the one to suck up to'. Henrik laught out loud of his own joke. Isak was not laughing, he did not know what to do with himself. He felt Even looking at him, eyes burning him. Henrik was finally done laughing. He looked from Even to Isak. Looked at Isak flustered face and fists clutching, Isak knew he must look crazy. Even started to look a bit bothered himself. "Do you know each other?" Henrik looked confused. He was currently on his fifth wife, and could spot drama. "No!" Isak was yelling now. Great! "Emm. No. I'm just nervous. About the filming" Isak was stuttering. Not his finest moment. He did not know where this came from.

Everybody knew that he was gay, he had been open for years. Somehow he could not bring him self to acknowledge the man who stole and broke his heart. Even looked at him. Was he disappointed? It was hard to tell. He said "If you could come this way we will do a trail shoot, just to see how you do on camera".

Suddenly he had a microphone over his head and a camera in his face. He stated his name and occupation, and then he was done. "Was that all?" He forced himself to look at Even. Even was staring at him. "Isak.." Isak interrupted him. "Can I go?" It came out a bit too rough, the girl holding the camera looked at him with big eyes. "Isak.." Even tried again. Isak turned around and left. He was not interested. It was way to late, he could not be in the same room as Even for one more second. He felt like he was seventeen again, and it burned him alive.

He started feeling braver as he walk through the room. This was the most he had been feeling in years, it was not good but it was something. As he was walking towards the door he heard Kari say in her usual teasing tone "So Isak, going home to fuck that gorgeous boyfriend of yours?' She looked like she was about to burst out in laughter, expecting him to blow her off or roll his eyes at her. Instead he said, a bit to laoud. "Yes, I am off to fuck the hell out of that sexy beast off a boyfriend" He knew it was stupid and childish, but he could not help himself. At least he didn't add "I Can't wait to get off on that big dick" That would be to much, he was after all not stupid. He didn't know where it came from, this was not normal behavior for him. But still. It felt good!  

He could hear people whistling and cheering as he left the room. He could not help to wonder what Even looked like when he said it.

 

**Eivind**

are you coming home?

 

                On my way baby. Can't wait


	3. Jar of hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the language is killing me. Sorry! Do not have a lot of time to edit, but I do my best. Please leave a comment, good or bad! It means the world to me!  
> Also, do you get what is happingen now, and when Isak is looking back? Is the dialog Ok? Any help would be amazing! This is my first fic, and I feel like a virgin. Haha.

The next morning Isak woke up to the feeling of soft fingers running up and down his back. Eivind was lying next to him, looking at him with loving eyes.

"Good morning honey" his boyfriend were purring soft in his ear, looking happier than Isak could remember seeing him in a while. Isak felt a sting of guilt; he knew he had not been a good partner lately.

The events of last night dawned on him. Driving home he had been so fired up. Triumph mixt with burning anger was intoxicating. His blood was boiling. He wanted to fight, fuck and destroy, all at once. He wanted to break something. He needed to find a way to blow off some steam. He knew his boss would be pissed at him for leaving early, but he did not care.

 Fucking Even. He hated him, but couldn’t help but revel in the feelings boiling in his body. This was the most he had been feeling for years. He felt drunk. High. Almost alive.

 

When he got home last night he found his boyfriend dancing in the kitchen, he looked so happy stirring in a big bowl of cake batter. Isak took a moment to admire this stunning man.

His man.

Eivind was a bit taller than Isak; his body was muscular and toned. His nice body was a result of many hours of riding the bicycle, and being outdoors, he prided himself in never using the car. But Isak also knew that he spent many hours in the gym, being more wain then he wanted people to know.

Isak also went to the gym at his workplace at least three times a week. He knew he looked good, but he was no were near as fit as Eivind. The man had dark hair, his face beautiful with sharp features. He looked like he had just stept out of a magazine promoting hunting and fishing; he was sexy in that rough kind of way. Working as a firefighter also added to his appearance of raw masculinity. Isak knew that despite his appearance, he was a real softie. Love to cuddle, always sweet and caring. He was a no bullshit kind of guy, there was never any drama around him. So genuine. He loved to be outdoors: fishing, camping and hunting.

When they first met Isak was in a dark place, Eivind took his time with him. No pressure, just caring. Trying to help Isak heal. 

 

Isak walked across the room and put his arms around the man’s waist, he whispered in this ear: "missed me?". "You can't be here, my boyfriend can come home any minute", he responded teasingly. Isak grabbed his arms and turned him around. Eivind looked a bit surprised from the sudden roughness, but his smile was wide and eyes sparkling. "We better hurry then" Isak liked this game. "I have a lot planed for you before that no-good boyfriend of your get here". Isak pushed Eivind up on the kitchen table, grabbing his shirt and grinding his hips hard against him. "I'm gonne fuck you so good baby, take all of you" Eivind looked at him with big eyes, panting and shaking. Isak flipped him over and pulled down his pants with determined movements.

 

Isak rubbed his face remembering the previous night. “How are you feeling?" He addressed his boyfriend. "I hope you can walk?" Eivind was grinning. " The guys at work are gonna have a field day seeing me today, you totally wrecked me". Isak looked him direct in the eyes; he knew the other man loved it. "What got into you last night?" Isak open his mouth to answer, but Eivind broke him of. "I don't want to know, just keep it coming. I love this primal side of you. It's so sexy" Before Isak could answer he felt warm lips on his, he responded eagerly and closed his eyes. Suddenly he felt the warmth of the other man leaving. "Got to get up! My shift is starting soon." 

 

Isak looked at his phone, he was running late. He also had unopened massages from his boss. Again. Great. He frowned his face and rubbed his temples. Eivind looked worried, but said nothing. Isak hated himself for making this wonderful man worry, his walls being so high he knew not to push. He never shared his inner self, never letting the connection go to deep. It was not fair, but Eivind seemed to accept it. Taking what he could get. Isak pushed the thoughts away, this was not the time for self- loathing.

 

The first thing Isak saw when he entered the reception at work, was his boss looking at him like he was going to explode. “Where the hell have you been? I told you, no, I orderd you to stay last night”

Henrik was so mad that he was spitting. He continued; “Do you not understand how important this is? For all of us?! This is NOT the time to start flaking out!”

Isak knew he was right. But what could he say? The man that broke my heart ten years ago are back, and it totally fuckes me up?

They meet people with seriously heavy baggage every day, and he was losing it because he had forgotten to be a normal functioning human being?

Come on, this was stupid.

Instead he said “Um.. I’m sorry.. I..” Before he could finish he heard a familiar voice. “Sorry to interrupt, but this is entirely my fault.” Isak jumped and shoot his eyes at Even. “I sent Isak home yesterday. There was just nothing more he could do here. But I should have informed you Henrik, I’m sorry. This is totally unacceptable” Isak felt his blood boiling again, his face was burning like it had been set on fire. He did not need Even saving him. Not from this, not from anything. It was too late for that. Henrik seemed to accept this. He just looked at Isak and turned around, walking to his office.

“What was that?!” Isak was jelling again. Apparently this was his new thing now, but he could not find himself to care. Isak ran into his office, grabbing Even by his wrist and dragging him with him.

“Look, Isak. I did not intend to upset you.”

“Upset me? Upset me?! Are you kidding me? I have not seen you since you left me ten years ago and you don’t want to upset me?” Isak felt the blood pounding in his ears, the taste of blood in his mouth.

 “Nine years, seven months and twenty days”. “What?” Isak shouted. “It’s been nine years, seven months and twenty days since I last saw you.” Even repated, his voice sounded calm and collected, eyes staring at Isak’s face.

“So what, you’re keeping track now? Feeling good about the time you got to crush me? Does it make you feel more alive?" Isak was spitting the words out.

It felt good to let all this crap out.

“I never wanted to hurt you. It was never about that.” Even was whispering.

"What then? You still believe it was because of me? For my own good? Leaving me with a fucking drawing of us in an alternate universe?” Isak felt tears starting to well up.

The drawing had showed Even balancing on a thin line, with Isak looking up at him with sad eyes, marked “This universe”. “In another universe” was a drawing of Isak alone, looking happy and cheering.

It was bullshit.

Even interrupted his trail of thoughts. “No, we both now it was not only for your sake, it was also about me”

Isak was taken back by Evens confession. During their  years together, Even had always insisted that he was the one braking Isak down. Isak was always to good for him, and he deserved more than Even could give.

Even continued, “I needed to know how to function by myself, not always having someone to lean on.”

Isak felt a bit deflated, he was not expecting this. “It is no excuse, you deserved so much better” Isak looked down, he was seriously fighting tears now. “I just knew that if I had seen you or talked to you the night I left, I would never have been able to leave you. And I had to leave”. Isak had no words left. His mouth was dry, and he felt terrible. He did not know what to do with himself.

The door flew open, and they both jumped to their feet.

“Are you coming?” A cute young man looked at them, he was holding a clip-board and looked stressed. “Yeah..” Even walked towards the door. He suddenly seemed so much older, more vulnerable.

They left Isak alone. He realized he had been holding his breath. He was trying to process what he had just heard. Telling himself that it didn’t change anything _._

_I would never been able to leave you._

The words were eating at him. Even if this was true, Even never came back to him. He never changed his mind. If Isak was special to him, he should not been able to keep away.

He had to know. He had to know everything that had happened. Isak was sure Magnus had told him. He knew that his best friend kept in contact with Even, even if he denied it. Yet, Even never came back to him.

Isak had every reason to hate him. But he needed to stop this; he needed to remember that he was grown man now. He could not let himself drown in these feelings. It was ok, he had been ok for years. Things wwere not great, but he was ok. And it was enough. Isak took a deep breath and went out to face his fears. He needed to get done with today’s filming, and he needed to face his ex.

Even looked a bit surprised when Isak sat down in the chair in front of him. “I’m ready for you now”. “To start filming” he added. Before he knew it he had a camera in his face again.

Talking about work was easy. He was proud of what they did here. The hospital had five wards, all with different specializations. He worked in a team that had patients in all the wards. They were called in when the wards needed extra help, in special cases. The team consisted of Henrik, Kari, a psychologist and two more nurses. They also had patients coming in from their home, following up on patients that had left the hospital. “So, you are a specialist in Bipolar disorder?” Isak looked at Even. So he knew that. “Well yes. I did my master’s degree on that theme.” He paused. “

"Tell us about your program."

Isak continued “We have a program here for patients with Bipolor disorder type 1. It is a twelve week program, trying to give them tools to manage their condition. We go through various themes, they log their own cycle and they share experiences. The goal is to help them to be independent. Learn their tells for highs and lows, and finding ways to deal with it. Taking control, so to speak. We also have programs for their loved ones. Helping the deal with it."

Isak got so caught up in his own thoughts, that he forgot about the camera and Even looking at him.

“You seem so invested in this topic, why is that?”

Oh my god, why did he want to know that?

Isak was staring at Even. He suddenly felt brave. “I want to help as many as I can live the life they dream of. The life they deserve. Not letting their condition define them, or make choices for them”

 

After they wrapped up, Isak left the office.

 

He felt so empty. Drained.

 

His phone buzzed

 

 **Magnus** 16:15

Wtf?! Even is here?!

You need to tell me this shit!

My shift is ending now. You need to come see me man!

Like, right now!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not suffer from bipolar disorder, but I work to treat people who does. The bipolar program exist in Norway, and it is great!


	4. The world will end tomorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is eating me up! It's not original and really not so good, but I can not stop thinking about it.  
> I'm trying so hard to get these boys out of my head. Maybe I can write them out.  
> And also. What do you think of the Isak/Sonja connection? To weird?  
> I'm Sorry! Don't hate me.
> 
> Please let me know what you think! I love you guys for commenting, it makes my day.

Isak entered the elevator. Magnus worked as a nurse in the ward treating patients with eating disorder. He had a serious case of foot-in-mouth syndrome, but somehow his patients seemed to love him for it. He never worried what was right to say, he was just genuine and real. He never said anything to be mean, never having an arterial motive. And it worked really well. Isak was proud of him, knowing that had found his true calling in life.

Going to see his best friend, made him feel better. More calm. Like his stomach wasn’t filled with boiling water and his head not filled with disturbing thoughts. He hated feeling this way, hated what Even did to him. It was not right, not fair.

“How come you never tell me anything man!” Magnus jumped at him, hitting his upper arm just a bit too hard. His blond hair was a mess, and his eyes were wide. “I just assumed you knew, I know you stayed in touch with him.”

Isak tried to conceal his irritation. But failed miserable. “Come on, stop being so grumpy! I haven’t heard from him in ages. Last I heard he was living in Copenhagen with some girl.” Isak could not help but feel a bit sad. _Damn it!_ Magnus examined him, looking a bit too worried.  

"You know I don’t care about that, I don’t want to know anything about Even and his life” Isak was yelling. Again.

Magnus held both his hands up in the air. “Sorry, sorry! But I seriously have not heard from him in years!"

“You need to start talking Dr. Izzy! Spill it!”

Isak looked down, why was this so hard?

“There’s nothing to tell really. He is the director of the documentary they are making, and I will play a small part in this. It’s just business. Talking about work.” Magnus looked suspicious. “Just business my ass! Have you guys talked? Like really talked?” He paused. “I mean, about..everything?”

 

Isak had been in a real bad place when Even left him. After spending the last few months looking everywhere for him, calling everybody he could think of, his mind went black. He kept hoping that he would come back, worrying that he may be having a manic episode. Finally Even’s mum came to see him. Telling him how sorry she was, over and over again. Even was ok, but he would not be coming back. Isak needed to move on. Even was not sick, he just didn’t want Isak anymore. It was over. After that Isak gave up. He gave up on Even. On himself. On love. There was no point in anything.

So he started to go to bars, having meaningless sex with random guys. Never taking them home to his apartment, always leaving before they woke up. He was drinking every night, barely making it to class. He lived like this for years. He even had to repeat his third year, but he didn’t care. He had worked like crazy getting in to med school, but nothings seemed to matter. Not without Even.

One night he met Sonja, Even’s other ex. She was looking as miserable as he felt. They hugged, they talked. They bitched about Even, letting all their hurt pour out. They had something in common, they shared the same pain. The night was a blur. There were shots.  There were dancing. More shots.  Before he knew it they were kissing, licking into each other’s mouths like there were no tomorrow. He went home with her. It was a fucking disaster. Her room was filled with pictures of her and Even. Evens hoodie hung on the chair. His drawings on the wall. Isak felt sick, but was too drunk to care. To sad. To lonely. So he kept kissing Sonja, like she was his last link to Even. She started crying, clinging to him. Digging her nails into his flesh.

Nothing happened, they just laid there. Sonja sobbing, and Isak stroking her hair. He left the minute she finally fell asleep. Snook out like a thief. Puking his guts out as soon as he left her apartment, right there on the street. This was rock bottom.

This would kill him.

Slowly rip him apart.

 

 

“Halla man!!” Magnus looked at him. “Are you having a seizure?” Isak had spaced completely out. This was just too much. “No, what? Sorry. Just a lot on my mind” Isak whispered. “You don’t say, you were totally gone. I was starting to get worried” Magnus dragged him by his arm. “Come on, we are going to get something to eat”.

 

Magnus had been the one to pick up the pieces. Isak came to him the morning after he left Sonja. He felt like he was dying, looking even worse than he felt. Magnus took him in. Held him. Let him speak when he could. Listened when he screamed. Dried his tears when it all became too much. Dragged him outside to eat kebabs. Made him listen to shitty music and watch mindless comedies on Netflix. Tricking him into going out for drinks when Jonas and Mahdi came home for breaks from University, they both studied in Trondheim. Slowly he began feeling better. More like himself. Well, kind off. He moved into his own apartment six months later. Ready to continue his life, concentrating on his studies and his friends. No more drama, no more partying, no more messy romance.

 

They ate in silence, Magnus knew Isak would speak when he was ready. “So..” Isak started, not knowing what to say. Magnus looked at him. “What happened? Don’t tell me it’s nothing. You look like shit.”  Isak just stared into the air. “Look Magnus,  I know he left me in a shit place. But I have a boyfriend now. I have moved on. I  am.. happy” It sounded more like a question than a statement. Magnus made a weird noise. “Happy? Are you, really?” He kept looking at him, making Isak feel like a kid. “You never moved on, not really. After Sonja I thought you actually might. Move on that is. But you didn’t. You just sealed off your heart.”

It hurt, but Isak knew he was right. Magnus just kept on talking. “You need to listen to me man. I love you, but you are destroying yourself. It is not right to you, it is not right to Eivind.”

Hearing his boyfriends name made him feel worse. “

"And.” Magnus looked down. “After your mother died it has been even worse. It’s like you just live inside that amazing brain of jours, you have no idea what your heart wants”.

Isak’s mother died of a massive heart attack five years ago. By then Isak had his life kind of sorted out. He was on his last semester in medical school, and had full focus on that. His mother had lived a hard life, but it was still a shock when she died.

"Did you tell him?” Isak whispered the words, couldn’t even bring himself to speak them out loud. He had been dying to ask for years, never fining the courage. Too afraid of the answer, the final blow.

“Yeah.. I’m sorry. I send him a message right after she died. He never responded”.

So, there it was. Even never cared about him, never loved him. Not like he had loved Even. If he did, he would never been able to stay away. He always knew it, but getting the final confirmation made everything hurt like never before.

"You need to move on man. I’m sorry. You know I love you. But you need to move on. To wake up! Stop, before you hurt yourself and those who love you even more!” Isak was a bit taken back by his friends sudden outburst. “You know I hate being the bad guy, but I think maybe I’m the only one you really listen to” He was right. They both knew it.

They parted ways after that. Magnus did not want to leave, but Isak knew he needed to go home to his family. His wife had just given birth, and Isak knew he was anxious to get home to them. After being single for years, Isak was happy his friend got what he wanted most in life.

Isak wanted to cry so bad, but he had to keep it together. Talking to Magnus made him realize what he always had known. He had to set one thing right. He had to stop hurting the one he was supposed to love. The one who loved him so much it almost scared him.

Hit picked up his phone. Hands shaking.

**Eivind**

 

                                                                                                        Can we talk?

 

Sure

Do I need to worry?

 

                                                                                                         Tomorrow?  I’m on call tonight so

                                                                                                         I’m staying here

 

OK…

 

 

Isak put his phone down. In a way he felt relived. He was almost done pretending. Trying to trick himself into believing that he was actually capable of love.

 

He started walking towards the hospital. Happy that for a while, he would have other people’s problems to worry about.

He was so focus that he almost ran into Kari. “Whooow” She was laughing. “Slow down sailor, you need to at least buy me a drink before you get me on my back.” She was laughing so hard she was literally crying. “Haha, sorry honey. You’re way to easy." He somehow felt better. This teasing was familiar. Safe.

“Oh my god! What do you think of the director? Even.” She did not give him a chance to answer, before she continued. “He is so sexy! Everybody is talking about it! Do you think I have a shoot” She looked at him. “I want to ask him out! Or is that stupid? I mean he is a bit older”

Isak felt like he was suffocating.

"Um.. sure.. But.. I think he has a girlfriend? Or I mean.. I thought I heard that he had.” Kari was smiling “No, he told Petra he was single”. Her smile was so big now, Isak was afraid her face would burst.

Well, why should he care. Kari was just his type. Pretty, sweet, blond hair and golden curls. “Go for it” He paused. “Just be careful. You don’t know this guy. He could be dangerous.” 

Kari was already typing on her phone. “Of course Dr. Steamy. I’m always careful. Besides it’s just a bit of fun. Not like I’m looking to marry the guy.” She ran to her car, and Isak continued towards his workplace.

It was going to be a long night.

 

The night had been a real mess. Maybe the worst nights ever. Isak had been called out to one of the wards, attempted suicide was the message. When he got there it was too late. There was nothing he or anyone could do. Ofcourse this happened from time to time, but it always killed him when it did. They were there to get better, to have new hope. It was so sad when it failed, when they failed. The rest of the night had been spent talking to the next of kind, the personal at the ward and filling out endless forms. Isak felt drained, there was nothing left of him. He was the only doctor on call, and everybody looked to him. For comfort, explanation. Anything.

He had done all he could. Using all his strength trying so hard to help, just add the tiniest bit of comfort.

 

He walked into the hallway; just needed to be alone. To compose himself.  Just try to catch his breath.  

There was a dark figure sitting in the frame of the window. The moon light up his face, making him look like an angel.  Isak felt tears starting to pour down his face.

He threw himself at the man who had broken his heart all those years ago, burying his face in his neck. Feeling strong arms around him.  

 

And cried like the world was going to end.

 

 

He felt like he had been electrocuted.

 

 

He tore himself away and started running down the stairs.


	5. Ghost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo.. I'm not sure how I feel about this. This was so hard to write. I have so much respect for all of those writing beautiful stories in here like it's nothing. It is draining!  
> Please leave me a comment to let me know what you think! It makes me want to continue the story.

«Isak! Please wait!»

He heard Even shouting, but he did not stop. He just kept on running, probably looking like fucking idiot. He was a fucking idiot, so at least he got that part down. He could not believe what just happened. Throwing himself at Even like that. Where did that come from?

He slowed down. He had to stop running, stop hiding. He did not know if Even had followed him, either way he could not keep this up.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, slowly turning him around until he stood face to face with the man who had hunted his mind for all those years.

“I’m sorry Isak, I did not mean to upset you. It was never my intension.” Why did he keep using that word? Upset him?! It didn’t even begin to cover what he was feeling. Isak just looked away.

“Please.  Just look at me.” His voice sounded so sad. “Please.” Isak forced himself to look up. Looking straight into those steel blue eyes that used to fill his whole body with butterfly’s,  the same eyes that used to look at him like he was the most amazing creature to ever walk on the face of this earth. Those Heart-stopping eyes. Now they just made him look sad. There was no light, no glimmer.

Even took a deep breath and said “I’m so sorry.’  His voice sounded weak and fragile.

Seeing Even like this, made him snap. It awakened something deep within. His self-preservation instinct, a need to protect himself. From his, whatever it was. From feeling. From Even. He was acting like a teenager, this was not him. Not anymore. He had not felt like this in years. Blood pounding in his ears, fog clouding his vision. He felt like screaming, kicking. Crying. His mind was racing, he had never felt less in control. So he needed to fake it, put an end to this. He had been a mess ever since Even crashed back into his atmosphere. He could not let Even see him like this.

 

"No, I am the one that should apologize.' His voice was surprisingly loud and clear. He looked straight at Even, controlling his breath. At least his years of listening to other people pour their heart out, had thought him to look unaffected. He could do this, he could be professional. Put on his doctor-face.

 Frozen, Even didn't blink and in the depths of his gaze, Isak could see that his words shocked him. ‘I mean, what happened between us is in the past. It is not my place to act all.. erratic. You are here to do a job.’ Isak looked right in to the eyes of the man he had loved with all his heart. “Could we please just forget the way I have been behaving? Just do what needs to be done and move a long? I mean, it’s not like neither of us _chose_ this, we didn’t _want_ to see each other.”

They just stared at each other. 

Isak started to turn around; it was time to walk away. When Even’s voice broke the silence, Isak could feel his heart jump in his chest. “That’s not true.” He was biting his lips, still staring into Isak’s eyes. “I’ve wanted to see you for years. Planning what to do. What to say. I know it’s selfish, and you probably don’t need this; but I have to explain. _Please_ , let me explain” Isak held his breath. “I _need_ you to know what happened. _Need_ you to know that I never wanted to leave you. I would rather die than hurt you. But I know I did.”

Isak kept blinking, trying to hold back the burning behind his eyelid. “Why?” His voice was frail. “Why, why was I not good enough for you?” Even took a step forwards and grabbed his hands. Isak wanted to pull away, but his feet would not move.

“You were _more_ than good enough! In fact you were perfect. You always knew how to handle me, make me feel like I was special. Worth loving. You were _everything_ to me.”

Isak could not hold back anymore, a steady stream of liquid trickling down his face.

“Then why did you leave.” Isak breathed out the words, he could not even lift his head to look up.

He felt Even’s hands cupping his face, gently lifting his chin up to face him. “It was not your fault. You always seemed to know what I needed. When to push and when to let me breathe. Always keeping the balance between good and bad. You knew when to make me laugh and when to just hold me still. You always knew. You knew me.”

Even was standing so close, Isak could feel his warm breath on his face. He continued. “I _needed_ you. I needed you so bad it scared me. I did not know myself, did not understand myself. It was all about me. I never trusted my own mind, never taking responsibility. Acting like a child, I just did whatever I pleased. Acting like somehow it was not my responsibility to manage my condition, my ups and lows. Never caring, worrying about the consequences of my actions. Trusting you to fix me, make it all better.” Even tightened his hold on Isak’s face, thumbs stroking his chin.

 

“Isak. Breath. Just breath.” He felt cold air in his lungs, hadn’t even realized he had been holding his breath. “Do you want me to stop?” Isak shook his head. Even took a breath, then he continued. “So I found myself smoking behind you back. Staying up all night. Not caring about what it would do to me. Just relying on you to save me. Again. Like you always did.”

 

Isak had tried so hard to be different, not to be controlling. Letting Even breath. Be himself. Never being in his way. He read every book he could find, every article. He talked to Magnus, taking his advice. When Even was sad, he _made_ himself happy. He would have followed him to the end of the world. Done everything for him, just to be in his presens.

 

Even swallowed hard. “Please, know that it was never **you** who were not enough. I had to figure out a way to stand on my own feet. Even before I met you, I never fully grasped the severity of my situation.”

 

Isak felt a rush of anger, he pushed Even away. “But your mother, you sent you mother?” Even looked down. “Please don’t blame her. I was in a real bad place after leaving you. I had a manic episode that lasted for weeks, it was.. terrible. When I came down, I barricaded myself in my old room. Refusing to come outside. My parents was beside themselves, they did not know what to do. I was crying your name, rambling about what I did to you. I hated myself. They told me what you did, how you were looking for me. So I did something terrible.” He paused. “I told her that I would not survive unless you moved on. It had to be bad, I had to make you start living without me. So I used force. She was so scared that she did what I asked. She was afraid of loosing me... I’m so sorry..”

 

Somehow Isak felt relived. At least he had mattered. He spent so many years thinking that Even was better off without him, that he never loved him.

 

Once again Even was standing close to him. He could feel his hands on his neck. His skin burned from the touch. “I always wanted to come back to you. Once I was better, once I had figured myself out. I wanted to heal for you, be the man you deserved.”

Isak pressed the heels of his hands into is eyes until he saw nothing but sparkles. He tried break free from Even’s arms, but he did not have the strength. He stared at Even in disbelief. He was surprised to hear his own voice: “Why didn’t you? Not even.. not even.” He felt his knees give in, being held up by Evens strong arms, now resting thigh around his waist.

He whispered; “Not even when my mother died.”.

Even gently guided his arms from his face,  eyes finding his. “I was there. I came as soon as I heard.  I wanted so desperately to be there for you.”

Isak looked at him in disbelief.

"I met Sonja.” Isak felt nauseous as the significanse of the words dawned on him. _Of course. Sonja._

“Nothing happened. We just...Just...” There were no words. He felt Even’s forehead pushed against his own. “I know. I just knew that when I had hurt you  _that_ bad that you reached out to Sonja, you would never be able to forgive me for what I did. I made you feel _that_ terrible. I could not come back just to destroy you even more. It was unforgivable. You were better off without me. Even if I was better, the hurt that I had caused you was too much.” Tears streamed down his face. “I didn’t deserve you, I never did. I found myself, but lost you. The only person who ever mattered."

 

It was too much. Isak broke free.

 

“Please. _Please._ Just leave me alone.” He looked at Even, he looked wrecked. Eyes red and puffy, shoulders hunched.  “I need to think."

 

 

He turned and walked away.

 

 

Sitting in his car, he caught a glimt of himself in the mirror. For a second, he could not recognize the man looking back at him. Brows frowning, dark circles around his eyes. He looked so old, so drained.

 

He pulled his seat back. He could not face Eivind, not now.

 

He picked up his phone. He had received a message last night.

 

**Kari**

It’s a daaaate. I’m totally fucking that hot director-ass tonight.

Thank you for the advice daaarlig!

Kiss kiss

 

Isak closed his eyes and drifted away.

 


	6. Please don't fall for me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been readig this fic over and over, and I'm not happy about it. But I like to finish what I start, so I will.  
> The next Chapter will be the last one.  
> Thank you for the nice comments, it means the world to me! It has really helpt me through this, making me want to continue.  
> You are all too nice!
> 
>  
> 
> Funfact:  
> This fic is no the same lenght as the paper I am supposed to turn in this week. Good to know I have my priorities straight. Haha. Thats how much I love these chacters!

Isak woke up to unfamiliar sounds. He rubbed his eyes in confusion. His eyes taking in every ray of light and without a doubt he knows he slept too long. The noises are of a day in full swing, traffic heavy and people waking by his car.

He knew Eivind would be worried; he never stayed out without letting him know. His eyelid felt heavy, and he wished he could go back to sleep. He sight and put the key in the ignition.

 

Entering the apartment, he almost tripped over a big suitcase. Isak felt his heart drop. He walked into the kitchen, only to find his boyfriend sitting by the table. He appeared to be deep in thought.

"What's happening?" Isak broke the silence, voice shaking. Eivind jumped to his feet and faced Isak.

"This.. This is not working Isak," he looked down. "It haven't for a while" Isak swallowed hard, a weird sound escaping his throat. "I’ve been trying so hard to get through to you. Hoping you would let me in."

Eivind looked so strong, Isak could see he had been crying. "But you can't? Can you? There is no room for me in your heart."

Isak tried to answer, but the words got stuck. Choking him.

"I just can’t sit around waiting for you. Waiting for you to wake up." Tears starting to stream down Eiving’s face. "Waiting for you to love me."

Isak lounged forward and grabbed the other man’s hands. " I do. I do love you." His voice was pleading. "Please, never doubt that."

Eivind  kept looking into his eyes.

"Just not the way I love you. Not the way I need you to."

Isak didn't know how to respond, he felt empty, confused. "Don't leave me. Please." Suddenly he could not bear the thought of Eivind leaving.  The thought of being all alone.

"You need to choose Isak, figure out what kind of life you want." He swallowed. "Who you want." 

 

Isak stared at him in shock. _What?_

 

"I know he's back Isak. I'm friend with your colleges on Facebook." 

 

He looked at the man who had been such a important part of his life for, what felt like, a lifetime. Eivind had entered his life when he needed it the most. When Isak meet him he had been completely broken. Living alone, sealed off. He worked and slept, slept and worked,  only interrupted by the occasional visit from Magnus. Like a broken record, repeating his path. Not living, just existing. He was fine, OK. But nothing more.

 

Eivind were a friend at first, carefully gained his trust. Never pushing, just letting him breath.  They talked for hours, shared their interests, their passion. At first Isak only talked about his work, Eivind just listened. Always interested, always intrigued. Just letting his mind wanders, never interrupting. One day Isak felt he had no more words, so he stated taking about his past. About Even. About the love. The loss. The pain. He told him everything, expecting to be pushed away. Rejected. Instead Eivind just held him, stroke his back and kissed his hair. One day they lips met and Isak didn't pull away. He just let it happen, let Eivind love him.

 

 

"Nothing happened with Even. I would never..." Isak could hardly hear his voice over his own heartbeat.

" Iknow. I know" Even now, Eivind's voice were so comforting. Like he was talking to a bruised child. "But you have changed. I am not blind, his presence have affected you."

Isak couldn’t deny it. Seeing Even again had awakened something in him. But he had no idea how to deal with it, or what it meant. 

Eivind pulled him close. "I'm not leaving you. Not yet at least. I'm just giving you some space. It's up to you now." Isak buried his face in the taller man’s neck, breathing him in. "I can’t live this half-life anymore. Just waiting for you to open your heart."

He pulled away, looking into Isak's eyes. "If you want me, you have to choose me. You have to be sure. Body and heart. All inn." He felt the other man starting to pull away. Eyes still fixated on his. "Or else we both need to move on."

 

Isak wanted to scream, beg him to stay. 

 

_Please don't leave me._

 

Instead he simple asked; "where will you go?" Eivind responded by shrugging his shoulders. "Training-camp in Italy. My boss have been hassling me for years. ." He started walking towards the door. "I never dared to leave you. Afraid you would be gone when I got home. That you would realize you were better off without me."

He let out a sad laugh, it sound more like a cry. "Sad. Huh? Anyway, I'll be back in six months. My boss has my contact info. Just in case.."

 

He looked at Isak. Eyes pleading. Lips trembling.

"I'll make this easy for you. No drama, right?"

 

 

 Then he was gone.

 

 

Isak fell to his feet. There was nothing left. 

 

 

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------     

 

 

The next morning Isak woke up as usual. He took a shower and made his pitch black coffee.

 

After Eivind left, he had sat for hours just looking out the window. He felt so empty. Just like the years he spent alone, before Eivind came into his life. After Even left him.  Except, it wasn't quite the same.  Something was different. He was different. Somehow he could finally breath, like a fog had lifted. Making it easier to see. To think. To focus. _To feel_.

 

He knew he was in trouble when he reached for the pile of articles he kept by his bed. He was behind on his work and needed to catch up. But he could not bring himself to care. The words just floated by, he was unable to process anything he was reading. This was new. Work was always his escape, his way out of feeling. But now it just seemed pointless, he was unable to concentrate. 

 

 

His head was spinning. His stomach filled with boiling lava. He was pacing around in the apartment. Tried to find a distraction. But failed.

 

 

He didn't know what bothered him the most. 

 

Eivind leaving.

 

 

Or the thought of Even. His words. _Even with Kari._

 

 

He knew he was fucked either way.

 

 

 

 He had to make sure. He got up and drove for work. It was Saturday, but he hoped Even was still there. If he was anything like the man Isak once knew, he would stay with his project until he was one hundred present satisfied, working all night if he had to. Isak could not help but smile of the memory of Even, all consumed by a drawing, a script or anything he was working on at the time. Isak sitting by his side, trying to distract  him. Casually stroking his leg, arm, stomach, anywhere he could reach. Watching how his touch affected the older man, making him smile. Filling him with want. Even would act all upset, telling to stop, to let him work. Isak knew he loved it, and it was never long before he was on top of him. His face cradled between Even's strong hands, gently kissing his lips. Hands moving down his back as the kiss got deeper.

 

Isak shook the memory. It was stupid. Even had clearly moved on. They had talked.  His ex had explained himself, cleared his conscience. It was all about facing your demons, and moving along. 

 

 

He found Even in the breakroom at work. The office was otherwise empty. Even seemed surprised to see him. He smiled. "Hi.. Nice to see you." "Hi." Isak felt stupid, this was stupid. What was he doing? He looked around, starting to panic. He picked up some papers from the table. "Just here to pick up something. This.." He looked at the paper in his hand. _Fuck_ . "Your here to pick up Petra’s recipe for homemade pickles?" Even looked amused. Why did he have to be such a shitty liar? There were a million excuses he could have come up with. But no. He had to panic. _Shit!_ "Umm. Yeah."

He tried to laugh, a casual laugh. It sounded stupid, even he could hear that. Well fuck it. He went for it. "To be completely honest, I'm here to see you." 

 

"Oh?" Even crocked an eyebrow. So he still did that. _Of course_. Isak tried to act normal, casually shrugging his.

"I'm sorry for walking away yesterday. I get why you told me." He paused. "I mean, I get why you felt you needed to explain." Even were on his feet now. "So.. you do? Why is that?" He was starting to move closer. Isak looked dien.

"You know. Closure. Settling old scores."

Why was this so hard? Isak continued. "You know. We both moved on. But it is good to talk about the past. Clearing up misunderstandings. No need to feel guilty." This was good, he found his doctor-mood. Calm, cool and collected. Yep.

 

Even was moving closer, he was standing so close now. Isak smiled, but it felt wrong. Like his face didn’t fit.

"Ok.. so you think that was why I came to see you?" Isak cleared his throat. "Yes. I mean. You're with.. um.. Kari now. And I'm.. well. I am fine." That came out wrong. "I mean. I get it. About what you said. I get it. You had your reasons. The past is the past. Right?" He did not mean for that to sound like a question. Fuck, he was rambling. Even looked amused. Isak couldn’t blame him. He was acting so weird, it was embarrassing.

Even was in his personal space now. "Kari? You think I'm with Kari?" Even was way too close, Isak could feel his breath on his face. He tried to laugh again. "Sorry. Just meant that you went out. Like. On a date. Or whatever." Isak didn’t even have to look up know that Even was smiling. "No. No date." "Oh?" Isak whispered. "No."

Isak could feel Even's warmth on his skin. On his lips. "I'm here for you." Even shifted his face even closer, lips inches away. Isak tilted his head. Before he knew it, Even’s lips were on his. The touch was so soft, gentle. His heart was hammering, and there was a rushing sound in his ears, like beating wings.

Even's hands were slowly working their way up to his hair, until both hands were resting around the back of Isak’s neck. Playing with his hair. Isak felt himself melting into the touch. He put his hands on Even's waist. Pulling him closer. Wanting to feel him. Isak loved the feeling of Even's lips on his. Even parted his lips, and he gently slipt his tongue into his mouth. 

 

Just like that, it was over. Even pulled away. He took Isak's face in his hands, looking deep into his eyes.

"Do you want this?"

Isak looked down, he was freezing. Missing the warmth of Even's body.

"I..” He swallowed. “I don't know. I don’t know anything."

He felt his legs starting backing towards the door. "I'm sorry.. so sorry." 

 

He ran out the door.

 

Again.


	7. Time to say goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, This is it! The final chapter. I really hope you enjoy, and that I managed to create an believable ending. Please, let me know what you think! It means so, so much!  
> I don't feel quite done yet, and I’m thinking of making a prolog.  
> Would you be interested in that? I won’t do it if nobody is interested.
> 
>  
> 
> Takk for meg! Prøver å være fri og ekte! Thank you for reading!!

“I kissed Even and Eivind left me. Well, kinda.” Isak blurted out the words the second Magnus opened the door. Seeing his friends shocked expression, made him wish he had started with something else. “Umm, sorry. I just came her. I texted you? Did I wake you?” Before he could answer, the door was pushed open. Siri squeezed her way passed Magnus and put her arms around Isak. “Come on in honey. Please ignore my slow husband.” She tried to have a stern look on her face, but her expression was soft and loving. Isak loved her, she was kind and gentle. A bit goofy, perfect for his best friend. Magnus finally woke; “In that order?” Isak must have looked confused.  ”What happened first, the kiss part or the leaving part? And what do you mean? Kinda kiss or kinda leaving?” Magnus were overexcited, waving his arms,  his blue eyes wide open. “Calm down baby. Let the man talk.” Siri had  her arm on her husband shoulder, gently pushing him to towards the kitchen. “Come on” she said to Isak. “Let’s get some coffee. Sounds like you have a lot to talk about.” Being around Magnus and Siri always made Isak feel so safe, normal even. It was so easy,  so filled with love. Always looking out and caring for each other. Isak unwillingly felt his eyes tearing up. He wondered if he would ever have that. 

 

They sat down by the kitchen table, Siri left to take care of the baby that had started crying. “Umm.” Isak didn’t know where to start. “Spill it dude! You never tell me anything. Like what the fuck!?” Isak looked at him. “It just happened so fast. It’s like my life has turned into a sappy day-time TV drama.” It was true. Ever since Even reentered his life, everything was turned upside down. “Yeah yeah. Tell me about your life also known as Hotel Cæsar.” Isak rolled his eyes. “Hotel Cæsar? Why are you bringing up that vintage shit?” Magnus punched his arm. “Come on! Tell me already!” Isak sighed. “Well. First Eivind left me. Then Even kissed me. Or I kissed him. I don't know. Guess we kissed each other.” Magnus just kept staring at him, it was starting to get uncomfortable. “So was the leaving kinda or the kissing?” Isak could feel his cheek warming up. “Um, not the kiss. I guess Eivind kinda left me. He said he would give me space. To find out what I wanted.” _Let me choose_.

 

“I fucking knew this would happen. I knew it!” Magnus jumped to his feet and started walking around in the kitchen. “Eivind leaving had nothing to do with you kissing Even? Totally unrelated?” Magnus looked so skeptical Isak almost burst into laughter. He would have, if he didn’t feel like such a bloody mess right now. “Well maybe not totally unrelated. I mean.. You know how I am. And Even is, well.. Even.”  Hu suddenly felt so sad, like he had lost everything and all was hopeless.

 

He closed his eyes, and it was not long before he could feel Magnus's arms around him. Hugging him tight. “I know man. I know. I get it.” Fuck it, he was crying now. “I just don't know. I don' know how to feel. How to deal with this.” So Isak told Magnus everything. He told him about Eivind, what he had said. That it was all or nothing. And he told him about Even, his explanation. The kissing. “He said that he was here for me.” Magnus examined him closely. “How do you feel about that man? Does it make you _feel_ anything?” How was he supposed to know that? “I just don't know. I can’t tell what is just leftover of old feelings, and what is real. What is now. I mean it makes me feel.. better, I guess, that he did love me. Did want me, and that he did try to come back. But I mean.. why..” He shook his head. “Why now?” Magnus finished. “Yeah. Why now and not before? I mean it’s been ages. A lifetime. I get why he keep away after mum died. But why come back at all? And why now?” Magnus shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe you should ask him that?” Somehow Isak couldn’t stand the thought of speaking to Even. “I’m so confused. I need time I think. This all just too much right now. I feel like I’m grieving. The loss of Eivind, but also the loss of Even.” He looked out the window. “I spent so many years feeling rejected by Even. Unloved. Like I meant nothing, just tossed a side like I was worthless. I need time to process that Even did love me, that what we had was real. That the love was real. To both of us. “

 

Magnus refilled his coffee. “I think I get it man. This is some heavy shit. But hey! At least something is happening. Like, no offence, but you have been stuck for years. This is some much needed draaama” Magnus was grinning, looking at Isak. He could not help but smile, the blond man looked so silly. He was right though. “Ha ha. I DO feel different. Like I’ve been knocked off my feet. But in a good way, I think. I just feel so fucking conflicted. Like I’m broken, but at the same time I am whole.” Magnus let out a small laugh. “Broken, but not broke. Get it. Nothing strange about that.” Isak rubbed his forehead. “I know. I just don’t know any other way to explain it.” Magnus suddenly looked serious, he took Isak’s hands in his and started into his eyes. “Look man. I love you. But you have been wrecked by love and men for as long as I’ve known you. Now. Eivind has _given_ you time. Even have made you wait like forever, so you don’t _own_ him anything. Take the time. Think. Maybe you find out that you love Eivind. Or maybe you don’t. Maybe you find that there is still some love left for Even, Or maybe there’s not. Maybe you neither of them is right for you. AND THAT IS OK! Just take the time. It’s your life. Fuck them! This is about you. It’s your life man!” Isak thought for a few moments, than answered: “Maybe you’re right.” Magnus jumped up and hugged him again. “Hell yeah! Finally! He has seen the light.” Isak actually did feel like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, as cliché as that might sound.

 

“Yeah yeah. I guess you are my true guru.” Magnus looked so happy, Isak had to smile. “Wow. Thanks. You’re just now figuring that out?” Magnus tried to look insulted, they both ended up laughing. Magnus made everything sound so easy. Fuck Even, fuck Eivind. He needed to figure himself out. What they did or did not want from him came second. It was about what **_he_** wanted. _Finally._

He checked his phone. Five missed calls.

Unknown number.

He deleted it.

_\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

 

“Well well well. I think there was a small detail you forgot to mention.” Kari jumped him the moment he entered the office. She continued before he got the chance to answer. “So, I’m guessing you knew Mr. hot director guy from before we started filming?!.” Isak tried to look as innocent as he could. “He’s kinda my ex. But, it’s in the past. Didn’t think it was relevant.” Kari’s eyes looked like they were about to pop out of their sockets. “Not relevant?! He ONLY talked about you. Asked me like a thousand questions. Poor guy. Pining after you. You are SO obviously taken. I mean your boyfriend is super-hot, and you guys are soooo cute and happy” She paused. “I tried to tell him. Over and over. Even today I had to tell him. Like move on man. I actually feel sorry for him.” Isak turned away. Why was it so hard to breath? “Thank you.” He finally managed to say. It was for the best, he knew it. He tried to smile at Kari, but it was more like a frown. She didn’t seem to notice, just smiled happily back at him. “No worries dr. Steamy. I’ve got your back. So to speak.” She laughed loud of her own joke. As Isak was entering his office, he heard Kari say: “Also, he left in a hurry; apparently he was done with his part of the project. Or so he said. So no need to worry about him stalking you anymore.” Isak closed his door _. It was for the best._

 

He looked at his phone, one message.

 

He pressed and listend to the voicemail:

 

“Hey Isak.. it's me. Ummm. It's Even. 

I'm sorry for calling you. For messing up your life.

Again.

I should not have come to see you. I just.. I just couldn't leave you again without an explanation. So... you can listen to it if you want to. Or not. 

 

You talked about moving on, getting closure. The thing is, I never really closed the door on you. I've spent many years trying to understand myself, to separate myself from my illness. Never trusting myself. Struggling with my ups and downs. Not knowing anything for sure. Kind of just drifting along.

 

 But you were always on my mind. Every day. 

 

After your mother died, I forced myself to try to let you go. I now knew I had hurt you so much, you were better off without me fucking up your life. So I left. I just convinced myself it was for the best.

 

So, I was in a relationship, it got quite serious. Still was  struggling, never able to fully commit. To give my heart, to engage. So it ended, like always. No surprise there really. My life felt meaningless. A waste. It made me think I would end up alone

 

I had tried so much, and felt like giving up. A year ago my psychiatrist refereed me to this new program; it was a training program for people like me. With my disorder. Your program. Being there helped me. It helpt me understand myself better. It gave me the push I needed to take control. Finally I got what you tried to tell me all those years ago, that it really is up to me. I have to save myself, every day.  

 

It made me feel so close to you. Without knowing it, you gave me the push I needed. I know it sound stupid, but it was like you were there for me when I needed you the most. In a way it made me feel so loved, it felt like you had put your love for me in this. In your work. Probably just my imagination… But it just.. (breating).. it just made me realize what I had left behind. What I had lost. 

 

Also, I lied to you. The only reason I took the job was to see you, just to be near you. I had this stupid idea that I would come back to once I truly felt that I had control. When I in all honesty could say that I don’t _need_ other people to help me, I can handle it.

 

 I wanted to see if there was anything still there, if you would still have me.  It wasn’t my right. I should have let you be. Your life is full without me. Perfect, like you. 

 

So. I don't know if this made sense to you.

 

Or if you even are listening.

 

I just wanted you to know that I didn’t just leave. 

 

I will always be here for you. You have my heart.”

 

 

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**Three months after:**

_Buzz buzz_

Isak ran to the front door. “I’m coming, I’m coming.” He opened to find Magnus, looking so concerned. “What are you up to man? Are you still moping around?”

Isak had spent the last three months getting used to being alone. He actually felt better, god even. Day by day it got easier to breathe, his thoughts becoming clearer. “So, what have you come up with? Are you ready to choose?” Isak sight, he was feeling kind of nervous. “Yeah. I guess so. I think, no, I know what I want. Who I want.” Magnus was grinning widely, looking so happy. “What are you waiting for man? Make the call!”

 

Isak picked up his phone. He called the number written on the piece of paper in his hand. When the call came through, he introduced himself, than he simply asked: “Where is he?”

 

Getting off work had been surprisingly easy. Well, he kind off had it coming. He hadn’t gone on vacation for over three years, which was actually illegal in Norway. He got three months off, taking out all his vacation days and his overtime. His boss almost cried when he told him where he was going. “Please,” he said. “Always go for what your heart tells you. If he loves you, he’ll still be there.”

 

It was time to choose. To go all in.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Getting off the taxi Isak felt nervous. The flight here almost killed him, but in the same time he had never felt happier. He had a thousand butterflies in his stomach. He felt euphoric and scared to death all at once. But somehow he knew this was right. He had to do this.

 

He rang the bell. Inside he heard rumbling, the door opened slowly.

 

Finally he was face to face with the most beautiful man in the world. Looking into the deep blue eyes, wide open in shock, he knew this was right. Nobody said a word. They just stared at each other. Taking it in.

 

“So, are you going to kiss..” Before he could finish, he felt Even’s lips press against his own. They melted into each other. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. Evens hand came up and rested below his ear, his thumb caressing Isak’s cheek as their breaths mingled. Isak ran his fingers down Even’s spine, pulling him closer until there was no space left between them and he could feel the beating of his heart against his own chest.

 

Time ceased to exist. It was just them.

 

Even and Isak.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hotel Cæsar is an neverening daytime TV drama.


End file.
